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by grafikdev1
by grafikdev1
by grafikdev1
Written by: Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
They’re at the mall. They’re in your neighborhood. They are your friends and your family. They’re everywhere! When you have been struggling with infertility, it suddenly seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant. Everywhere you go you see pregnant women and big bellies. You can be out enjoying yourself and then you are unexpectedly confronted by this traumatic event. You feel as if you want to “flee” the situation. Especially if you are at an age when your friends and relatives are also getting pregnant and starting their families, it may seem as if everyone else is getting pregnant quickly and easily, and can’t understand why you have not.
The reality is that it is extremely painful to be faced with the visible success of others when you want this so much for yourself and feel so vulnerable and helpless. Seeing or even hearing about pregnancies can be a stimulus that triggers feelings of anger, sadness, and jealousy. You may be left feeling out of control and overwhelmed.
There are some strategies you can do to help with coping with other people who are getting pregnant or who are already pregnant that allow you to regain control of the situation and your emotions. Here are some questions to ponder and some possible solutions:
About Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C: Ms. Sachs has been on the psychological support team at Shady Grove Fertility for 25 years. She does infertility counseling with individuals and couples, and has led support groups and workshops for patients on many infertility-related issues including IVF treatment, secondary infertility, adoption, and families formed through gamete donation.
To learn more about Shady Grove Fertility’s support groups for individuals or couples experiencing infertility, or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please call and speak with one of our New Patient Liaisons at 877-971-7755.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in March 2016, but was updated in May 2019.
Seeking and accepting support is like weaving a safety net for yourself—the more connections or stands of support you have the stronger your net becomes. A strong support network lifts us up when we get low and can provide the strength we need to keep moving forward in the direction of our dreams.
Shady Grove Fertility offers a range of complimentary fertility support groups throughout Washington, D.C. and Baltimore, MD Metropolitan regions, designed to guide and help patients cope with any challenges they may face along the way.
Unsure about what to expect from a support group? Hear from our patients. Thousands who have attended once or attend regularly have found an invaluable community of love, hope, and healing.
“I am someone who handles stressful situations by talking them out with other people in the same situation. Being able to attend the support group at Shady Grove Fertility and talk through issues with people in similar circumstances was an invaluable outlet for me. It was the additional services that SGF offered that I think was the “selling point” of moving to a larger clinic that can sometimes feel like a factory of baby making. Services like this group make the experience much more personal and allowed me to be more comfortable that I had made a good decision coming to SGF.”
“My husband and I cannot say enough about how much this group has meant to us. The ability to share with people who not only sympathize, but who have been there, has been invaluable. We just don’t feel so alone anymore. So thankful Shady Grove Fertility puts value on not only their patients’ physical, but mental health as well. It is intrinsically part of this process, and all too often overlooked.”
“I attended the group counseling one time and found it very comforting in this extremely painful journey of infertility. To be able to sit in a room with people who can relate, understand, and help in giving insight is extremely beneficial to me emotionally.”
“The SGF support group has been a lifeline as we have pursued our goal of starting our family. Infertility and its resulting treatment has been an incredibly isolating journey, and has often left us feeling misunderstood and uncomfortable with our friends and family. The support group offers a safe place to process these interactions with a group of people who understand and empathize with that struggle. It is also offered at no cost, which has been invaluable throughout this expensive process. We feel fortunate that we live only an hour away from one, as there are so few resources that adequately address the emotional and psychological aspects of this life crisis.”
“Infertility support group has helped a great deal. I was reluctant to go to one, but once I did it, I never regretted it. The support group helped me to realize that I wasn’t alone in this journey, that there are many people like me out there and I am not the defected or unlucky person I thought I was. Infertility is just like any other disease and this group helped me to understand that I should not feel any shame because of my condition, it is just like having diabetes or cancer or any other disease. I think the most helpful part of this group is I can talk to others in the same language of infertility and they understand me and know what I am saying, unlike many of our friends or family members who have not gone through infertility or know about the topic, and that is huge! Imagine yourself expressing your feelings of sorrow and pain in English to somebody who does not speak English at all or only speaks a little? It would be frustrating, right? That is how I felt before I joined this group.”
“I am new to the infertility counseling group, but it has been a tremendous help to me and my husband already … just to have an outlet during this extremely difficult time in our lives. Group support and counseling sessions are amazing!!”
“These support groups played a big role in making me feel comfortable transitioning over from IUI to IVF. It is really helpful to hear other patients’ experiences, especially with the meds and injections. I actually just started my first day of stims last night. It’s also nice to have a place to go where you can relate to and talk to others going through similar experiences.”
“My husband and I absolutely love attending the support group. I wish they were more frequent. I can’t say enough positive things about the group. It helps us tremendously cope with our infertility struggle, it gives us hope and encouragement.”
“My husband and I didn’t think we had any insurance options to pursue IVF. One of the support group members had similar issues through her employer and offered guidance on other pathways to explore. We were able to undergo IVF treatment at SGF as a direct result of her recommendations.”
“The support group facilitated by social workers at SGF has been very helpful. The group helps us not feel so alone. It is very helpful to meet with the group in person. In the waiting room and appointments, things are so lonely despite being surrounded by other couples who are going through something similar. The group has changed that for us. We now don’t feel so alone. “
“The SGF infertility support group has been helpful to me during this process to sit with other men and women who are navigating the same path, even though we are at different stages or our roads may vary. There are rarely safe spaces out in my own community to talk about the fears, doubts, frustrations, challenges, and sadness of infertility and the invasive, expensive, low-yielding treatment process. And even less opportunities to talk judgement or ‘helpful comment’ free. ‘Just relax, it’ll happen’ or ‘maybe you two just aren’t supposed to have kids’ are two phrases I’ve never heard at the support group or in any of the following exchanged emails between group members. The group doesn’t offer solutions to our infertility problems, but it offers a community where we can sit, cry, wail about how unfair this is, and leave the group a bit lighter.”
“I want my husband to know he is not the only one using donor sperm.”
“I was pretty upset about having to use donor egg when I came to my first group last year, but here I am 22 weeks pregnant because the group helped me through the grief and decision making. Now I can offer my experience to others to help them get here too.”
“You feel so alone in this that it is amazing to have a safe place to share ALL my feelings and fears, since I have to put on a happy face to others who either don’t know, maybe disapprove, or tell me to be grateful for this option. I feel that I CAN do it when I leave.”
“We just wouldn’t have had the strength to continue without the support of the group.”
“I have learned tips about such things as using needles, insurance/grant resources, and all kinds of things from those who have done treatment before. I also learned new treatment information that I can ask my doctor about to see if it might help me.”
Not in the area or can’t make the support groups? Check out our Facebook page to connect with over 27k Shady Grove Fertility current, past, and potential patients. Join us today!
Read: 25 Patient Stories of Triumph E-Book
To learn more about SGF’s support resources or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please contact the New Patient Center at 1-877-971-7755 or complete this brief online form.
By Carol Toll, LCSW-C
Infertility is a life event that creates high levels of stress that may impact important areas of your life. Feelings about self, intimate relationships, friends, family, work, and financial decisions may be affected by infertility. Before you know it, fertility issues have become your world, taxing your emotional and material resources while evading your control.
What to do? Develop a support plan. A support plan is a personal game plan or “roadmap” that you create to help move from feeling powerless and isolated to in charge and connected. Changing how you perceive yourself and your situation paired with experiencing the understanding of others can go a long way to easing the challenges of fertility treatment.
Work individually or with your partner and start a support plan by assessing your current situation. Set aside a quiet time to take stock of your current feelings, treatment plan, and expectations, including both emotional and practical considerations. Make a list of “Things I Wish I Could Change.”
Next, decide that you are in control. Feeling out of control is especially distressing in infertility, where a major life goal is at stake. Determining what you can still influence or act on may bring back a sense of power. While it is true that predicting the outcome of treatment is not possible, you can decide how to think about it and what you choose to do during a treatment cycle. Rewrite your “Things I Wish I Could Change” list using empowering language. Rename it “Things I Will Change.”
Put power into your vocabulary. Reframe your situation by starting to speak about decisions, choices, and opportunities. Become informed and participate, rather than helpless and powerless. Label actions and thoughts in more positive terms. Make plans to begin doing the items on your “Things I Will Change List.”
Find a Support Group
Energized by your newly empowered outlook, explore support opportunities and choose to become an active participant in a support group or activity. Knowing you are not alone and that others share your concerns is gratifying. Sharing treatment tips and coping ideas lead to feeling in control and a sense of belonging. Support groups also help patients persevere in treatment giving every opportunity to achieve a positive outcome.
Give yourself a pat on the back for taking initiative and becoming actively involved in developing a support plan that ultimately leads to creating a support network from which you can draw strength from. As your needs change, adapt your plan to current challenges. Keep your “Things I Will Change List” up to date. You may even find you have become a leader and an inspiration for others who are in need of support. After all, you are now in charge.
Carol Toll, LCSW-C, has over 20 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and groups with fertility issues. She is a licensed clinical social worker in Maryland and Virginia and sees patients in Shady Grove Fertility’s Rockville and Columbia offices.
Shady Grove Fertility’s team of dedicated New Patient Liaisons are available to answer your questions and schedule a consultation with a physician. Call 877-971-7755 or click to schedule an appointment.
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