Emotional Support

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Infertility is one of the most stressful experiences one can go through in life. Yet many people find it difficult to seek out emotional support, whether it be from friends, family, a spouse, or a mental health professional. People who would never hesitate to seek medical help for a medical problem somehow feel that they should be able to handle emotional difficulties by themselves. Or they are in denial that there really is a problem, i.e., that they really may be infertile, or simply do not face it until the feelings build to a crisis point.
Infertility patients whom I have seen for counseling often admit fearing that they will be assessed as “crazy” or perhaps unfit for medical treatment if their true thoughts and feelings about their infertility are revealed. Admitting that they are infertile and struggling with it may mean giving up the safety of denial and stirring up a whole range of uncomfortable feelings. They may fear that the depression, anxiety, or anger that follows may be too much to tolerate. I believe that it is hard to seek out emotional support because people fear feeling emotionally out of control at a time when they are already experiencing an enormous loss of control around their body’s ability to perform a basic function. They are afraid that sharing their feelings and turning to others may leave them even more vulnerable and inadequate than they felt before. Not only is it difficult to seek out professional help, but for some it is even hard to ask for support from friends, family or even one’s spouse. This can lead to feelings of intense isolation at a time when you may already be feeling alienated from the whole “fertile world.”
It is important to recognize when infertility is taking its toll on you emotionally and when it can be beneficial to turn to others for support. Some signs that it may be time to seek out emotional support include:
  • finding yourself thinking about infertility all the time but being unable to decide on a course of action or treatment plan, i.e., “spinning your wheels”;
  • feeling sad or depressed much of the time, a loss of interest in activities that are usually pleasurable to you, loss of energy, and a sense of hopelessness about the future;
  • feeling a sense of isolation and alienation from others, and wishing you could connect with them and share your pain.
However, you need not wait until you are at the end of your rope and have depleted your emotional reserves before turning to help. Many people I have seen for counseling or in support groups say they only wish they’d done it sooner! This can be seen as a positive step towards emotional healing and stress management rather than as a sign of weakness.
The following articles provide guidelines that you can use in turning to others for emotional support in a way that can leave you feeling back in control:
Talking to Friends and Family
Talking to Your Spouse
Getting Counseling
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C

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Finally, situations that work well often involve some consideration given to how the recipient will say “thank you” for what she considers to be this most precious gift of all, the opportunity to achieve a much wanted pregnancy. Recipients speak of “not knowing how to thank her…I know I’ll be very grateful.” Our experience indicates that people in general do enjoy and appreciate being thanked. Planning some type of “thank you” also may lessen the tendency toward subtle, though nonetheless on-gong sense of obligation to pay back a debt on the part of the recipient. Some gesture may instead provide some sense of closure in the end may help restore the balance in the relationship.
In summary, building a family using donor egg has proven to be a viable, satisfying option for many. Deciding to use a known donor is a complex problem with long-range implications for the donor, recipient couple and the child. What works well, from one experience, seems to be when time is taken to clarify present and future roles, obligations, and views on such important matters as privacy vs. openness. Recipients appear to feel best when donors offer. However, when the recipient asks, donors often respond positively. Giving the donor the time and space to consider the option is an important part of the process. Finally, planning a thank you ritual can be an equally important part of putting closure on what is an emotionally challenging, but deeply rewarding experience for both donor and recipient.
This is the fifth and final article in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Egg Donor: An Introduction
Using a Known Egg Donor: What Makes a Good Donor?
Using a Known Egg Donor: What to Discuss
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Ask
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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Recipients we see in our practice often express anguish over how to ask a donor for this most precious and personal gift. They often fear rejection and worry about putting the donor in a situation that she may not feel free to refuse.
What often works best is when the recipient writes the donor a letter, giving her the time and space to consider the option. Some recipients have spoken of giving the donor a ready “out” by saying things like “you don’t even need to respond to this if you do not wish too” or letting the donor know they have back-up options.
For her part, the recipient needs to be prepared that the donor might say no at first – or even later on – after meeting with the counselor. In fact, both parties need to be prepared that using a known donor is a process that needs to be carefully explored.
For any number of reasons, using a known donor may not work out, as many concerns may arise during the psychological screening process.
This is the fourth article in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Egg Donor: An Introduction
Using a Known Egg Donor: What Makes a Good Donor?
Using a Known Egg Donor: What to Discuss
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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Increasingly, programs require donors and recipients to meet with a counselor trained in dealing with issues of third-party reproduction to assess and help prepare the parties for the process of egg donation. The counselor can give guidance about resources for support and education, and can also raise issues about the short and long-term implications of the donation. This is an important part of the process, and discussing these issues early on can help avert problems in the future.
One important concern for the donor and recipient couple to discuss is the issue of privacy vs. openness, especially if the donor is a relative. The more in agreement they are about how open they will be and with whom – as well as what the expectations are of the donor’s future relationship with the child – the better.
When family members or friends know about the donation it can be difficult to keep it a secret. Family secrets can potentially have a deleterious effect on the couple’s relationship with their child. It can be useful for the donor and recipient to “try on” as much as possible, different scenarios that may arise.
Issues such as – what is the long term obligation of the donor if the first cycle doesn’t work, or if there is a pregnancy loss – are important to think through together. Donors may become very invested in the outcome of the cycle, and it can be helpful to establish clear limits on what their obligation will be.
This is the third in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Egg Donor: An Introduction
Using a Known Egg Donor:What Makes a Good Donor?
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Ask
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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In our clinical practice, we have seen some known donor situations that seem to work better than others. Both the donor and the recipient couple appear to have less concern about the future welfare of the donor, if the donor has already had children of her own – and even better – if she considers her family to be complete.
If the donor already has children of her own, she understands better what she is giving. Also, if she considers her family to be complete, then the risk – however small – that the process might impact on her future fertility, would not be relevant.
One indication that the process may be successful is if the donor offers to donate without being asked. This can make for a more comfortable, less pressured situation. Another sign that bodes well is if the donor, when asked, gives an extremely positive response. We have heard donors reply with comments such as “I feel honored that you would ask” or “I feel honored that you would ask” or “I feel flattered,” initial indications that the process may work out well.
Some donors have made general offers in the past, once they heard about the couple’s infertility, with statements such as,“If there’s anything I can do to help…” These donors are often relieved to discover that they only have to donate their eggs – and not carry a pregnancy – which may have raised more concerns for them about attachment to the baby.
This is the second in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Egg Donor: An Introduction
Using a Known Egg Donor: What to Discuss
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Ask
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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The decision to use a donor egg can be difficult one for couples. Choosing this option inevitably involves grieving over the loss of one’s biological connection to a child. However, the donor egg option enables the recipient to still be able to experience pregnancy, have some control over gestational environment, and have a baby that is genetically related to at least one member of the couple.
A further issue involves deciding whether to use a known or unknown donor. For some couples, the use of a known donor offers many advantages. If the donor is a relative – especially a sister – there can be comfort in using gametes from the same genetic pool. This can help the recipient to feel a stronger biological connection to the baby.
In addition, recipients often feel more in control and less uncertain, as they have more information about the donor than in an anonymous situation. Finally, there may be a shorter waiting time to begin the process, as opposed to the possibility of a lengthy wait for an anonymous donor.
Building a family using a donor egg has proven to be a viable and satisfying option for many. Deciding to use a known donor is a complex process with long-range implications for the donor, recipient couple and the child.
What works well, from our experience, seems to be when time is taken to clarify present and future roles, obligations and views on such important matters as privacy vs. openness. Recipients appear to feel best when donors offer. However, even when the recipient asks, donors, often respond quite positively. Giving the donor the time and space to consider the option is an important part of the process. Finally, planning a thank you ritual can be an equally important part of putting closure on what is an emotionally challenging – but deeply rewarding – experience for both donor and recipient.
This is the first in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Donor: What Makes a Good Donor?
Using a Known Donor: What to Discuss
Using a Known Donor: How to Ask
Using a Known Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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