Staying Resilient when Struggling with Infertility
Many women or couples struggling with infertility experience a profound sense of loss on many levels. Suddenly, you are a “patient” and not a healthy woman or couple. Let’s talk about how we can feel changed by the experience and also how to make this change work FOR you rather than AGAINST you.
You may need to have countless doctor’s appointments, tests, procedures, or consults. Your finances are drained. Your friends, coworkers, siblings, and neighbors all seem to be effortlessly building their families. You may feel a strong sense of shame or stigma for having an infertility diagnosis. And, perhaps the biggest loss of all, the loss of the dream of how your journey to parenthood would look and feel.
All of this adds up over time and you can start to feel like you aren’t the same person you used to be. Friends, family, or even your partner may tell you that you don’t seem like yourself anymore. Maybe you don’t even like this new person you have become. It might not be a pretty picture. Some common thoughts or feelings for those struggling with infertility include:
- Feel irritable, sad, scared, or a “roller coaster” of emotions
- Lose your sense of humor
- Feel less able to “go with the flow”
- Isolate yourself from others
- Lose interest in things that used to be enjoyable
- Feel jealous of others or have a sense that life has been unfair to you
- Experience anger toward others or the world in general
Struggling with infertility can be viewed as an existential crisis, greatly affecting the way you view yourself and the world around you. You might be asking yourself questions like: Who am I now? Will I ever feel like myself again? What is the purpose of my life? Is the world a safe and predictable place? Am I being punished for something I did in my past?
Turn Grief into Growth
While it’s normal to question these things in the middle of a crisis, such as infertility, thinking through these types of philosophical questions might actually bring you closer to a sense of peace about your journey. In fact, one of the psychological goals of coping with infertility is learning to slowly integrate infertility into your life story and into the way you view yourself as a person.
It’s true that you may forever be changed by infertility. I think back to a Viktor Frankl quote that really resonates on this level: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” This quote sends a powerful message in terms of what needs to happen for many of us to effectively handle all that goes into having infertility. Many people report that struggling with infertility was one of the hardest experiences of their entire lives, even if they were eventually able to have they family they wanted.
View Infertility as an Opportunity
So, how can you transform this traumatic journey into an opportunity for growth and wisdom? Even though it might feel next to impossible to do, try to think of the “gifts” of infertility:
- Developing a closer relationship with your partner
- Finding increased support from certain family members or friends (and clarification on which relationships really matter)
- Learning to prioritize your own needs and take better care of yourself
- Advocating for yourself in a challenging medical environment
- Learning a new set of healthy coping tools
- Finding a new sense of compassion for others who are struggling
- Finding gratitude in your life
- Feeling more connected spiritually
- Learning how strong and resilient you really are
These are potential ways you have learned to adapt and grow as a result of struggling with infertility. Work toward leaning into the change instead of resisting it. Look for daily signs of meaning and purpose in your life. Consider a daily mindfulness or gratitude practice to notice the positive changes you are making. You may be transforming into a new person, but that new person is strong, courageous, and worthy of the family of her dreams!
If you are struggling with infertility and need additional support during your infertility journey, Shady Grove Fertility support groups can be an invaluable tool as you surround yourself with others who “get it” and where you can normalize your feelings and your changing sense of self. Individual or couples counseling is also available. For more information about our support groups or to schedule an appointment, please contact our New Patient Center at 877-971-7755.
About the Author:
Mia Joelsson, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker in Pennsylvania and Maryland. She has a special interest in working with individuals and couples facing reproductive challenges of infertility, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and postpartum adjustment. Mrs. Joelsson is passionate about helping “infertility graduates” who are adapting to the new realities of pregnancy and parenting after struggling with infertility. She sees clients primarily in Harrisburg, PA.
